the crimes of santa claus

In time for Christmas, I’m resurrecting something I wrote some years back…

Santa Claus has long been held up as a jolly figure to be admired and respected, particularly by the kiddies. In reality he is a far darker and more sinister figure who promotes greed and self interest. Below is a list of the evils (both proved and alleged) perpetrated by Mr S. Claus.

Santa Claus promotes Racial Discrimination

Mr Claus demonstrably prefers to deliver gifts to specific racial groups. In South Africa, under apartheid, for example, Mr Claus generally delivered gifts to the children of white families but not black families. In spite of the fact that apartheid has now been abolished, Mr Claus continues to demonstrate this blatantly discriminatory behaviour.

Santa Claus promotes Class Distinctions based on wealth

Mr Claus delivers more gifts, and more expensive gifts, to the children of wealthy families. Poor families receive poor quality (or no) gifts. The role Mr Claus has in preserving such social distinctions serves to perpetuate the subjugation of millions of people around the world, contributes to continuing racial tension, promotes envy and discord amongst peoples, and ultimately leads to the premature deaths of millions in the third world. In fact, Mr Claus is wanted for questioning regarding his role in starting World War II.

Santa Claus is a pawn of Big Business

Mr Claus can frequently be seen advertising for major businesses. He exhibits no ethical basis for making decisions regarding what products or businesses he chooses to endorse, often promoting alcoholic or other products which constitute major social problems and which are entirely inappropriate for the kiddies.

Santa Claus fails to deliver

Whilst Mr Claus encourages kiddies to write in with their Christmas wishes, he apparently ignores a large number of these requests.

Santa Claus promotes greed and self-interest

Since Mr Claus provides Christmas gifts, there is clearly no need for people to give each other gifts, so their focus becomes completely centred upon what they wish to receive.

Santa Clause promotes an arbitrary ethical measure of “goodness”

Mr Claus is said to reward children whose behaviour has reached an arbitrary standard, whilst those whose behaviour has failed to reach this level receive no reward. What we want to know is who gave Mr Claus the right to establish what level of good behaviour is acceptable.

Santa Claus is inconsistent

In spite of claiming to only provide gifts to “good” children, Mr Claus generally will deliver gifts to children of rich white families regardless of their behaviour during the year, whilst children in the third world will not receive gifts regardless of whether they have been good or bad.

Santa Clause claims credit where it is not due to him

Mr Claus frequently claims credit for gifts which he did not provide, but which have been provided by other people.

Santa Claus exhibits a disturbing preoccupation with small kiddies

It has generally become accepted that older males exhibiting a preoccupation with small children is a clear warning sign to parents. That is, unless the old male is wearing a large red suit and sports an extremely generous quantity of white facial hair…

Santa Claus promotes bad eating habits

Mr Claus sets himself up as an example to many kiddies. Yet what sort of example is he? Aside from the serious issues raised above, his obesity and propensity to leave food gifts of a fattening (or intoxicating) nature makes him an inappropriate role model.

Santa Claus operates under a series of pseudonyms

Mr Claus also goes under a number of other names: Father Christmas, Saint Nick, Fatty Boom Bah (all right, I just threw the last one in to see if you were still paying attention). Operating under a range of pseudonyms is a frequent ploy of criminals. Whilst the precise meaning of some of these terms is obscure, it is perhaps no accident that “Santa” is a palindrome of “Satan” (note that the Bible says that “even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light” [2Cor 11:14]–or, in this case, as a fat bearded bloke wearing a red suit!).

Santa Claus is not an equal opportunity employer

Mr Claus has been accused of actively discriminating against tall people, choosing to employ exclusively vertically challenged people whom he inappropriately designates “elves.”

Santa Claus has been linked with child exploitation

An analysis of gifts left by Mr Claus reveals that a large number appear to have originated in locations which exploit child labour and other unethical working practices.

Santa Claus operates a business of dubious legality

Mr Claus reputedly operates from a base at or near the North Pole, a little known tax haven. Mr Claus thus makes no reports regarding his income or worth, and is not accountable to anyone. Such practices inevitably attract (or are set up) by organised crime. Fortunately, however, the onset of global warming may result in the melting of Mr Claus’s euphemistically named “workshop.”

Santa Claus invades your privacy

Widely disseminated information on Mr Claus indicates that “he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Sounds creepy, particularly when you know a little more about this man. We suggest you consider taking out a restraining order.

Santa Claus may be responsible for global warming

Let’s face it, he’s supposedly based at the North Pole, and polar ice has been receding rapidly of late. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

Santa Claus obscures the true meaning of Christmas

Mr Claus has successfully turned almost all attention to himself at Christmas, obscuring the fact that it is originally a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. God is not happy that Mr Claus has hijacked Christmas in this way. You really don’t want to be offside with God.

I suggest that if you see Mr Claus, you report him to your local authorities.